


my quick tempered boy

by vizzie1



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Blanket Feels, Brief PTSD Flashback, Bullying, Family, Forgiveness, Gen, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jack Sudgen's A+ Parenting, M/M, Mixed Emotions, Participial Phrases Are My Jam, Past Drug Use, Regret, Self-Esteem Issues, Shock, Spoiler Tags in A/N, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-07 10:42:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 15,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10358589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vizzie1/pseuds/vizzie1
Summary: "Robert can’t take back the hurt he’s already caused, but he can make sure he doesn’t cause any more. He can do what’s best for Aaron, for Liv, for everyone. They’d be better off without him. They know it, they’ve said as much. So he can do this for them. One right thing to atone for all of the wrong."After sleeping with Rebecca, Robert attempts to kill himself. How will his family cope with feeling hurt, anger, and guilt at the same time?Please heed the tags, guys. This is a super angsty fic.





	1. Robert

**Author's Note:**

> So, each chapter is named for a character. That chapter will revolve around them and be more sympathetic to their point-of-view.
> 
> All the standard disclaimers: I don't own Emmerdale, the characters, or anything and am making no money on this. Also, it's not beta-d, so all mistakes are mine. Oops.
> 
> In regards to ratings, warnings, and tagging, I've tried to add tags for any triggering material.* If you notice something that needs to be updated, please let me know.
> 
> I know reading this much angst and hurt is gonna be rough, but please be kind. This work is a bit of my soul and the cathartic experience of writing it means something to me.
> 
> *Since I think this story is best read without knowing if the ending will be 'Happy Ending' or 'Major Character Death' or otherwise, I have chosen not to include it in the tags. If you would like to know which way this is going to go, please click the 'more notes' link below.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chas doesn't stop Robert from confessing to Aaron about sleeping with Rebecca. They fight, and it's ugly. (Isn't it always?)

Robert knew he was no good, that he had only ever let people down, especially his family. He let down his father when he couldn’t be the son he wanted, dreaming of leaving farm life and having feelings for other boys. He let down his mother when he watched her burn to death, unable to save her. He let down Vic when he let his own teen angst and drama with the rest of the family get in the way of his relationship with her. He let down Andy when he took out his own insecurities and self-loathing on him and when his desperate, pathetic fears led to him killing Katie.

And now he’d built a brand new family, and he’d let them down, too. Chas was irate earlier, throwing vicious words at him, and he knew he deserved them all. She- all the Dingles, and even Paddy- had chosen to trust him with Aaron’s heart, and he’d made them regret it. They’d welcomed him in as one of them, but now he’s cast out on his own again.

Well, he isn’t entirely on his own. Vic had agreed to let him stay at Keepers, but it’s more out of familial obligation than anything else. She’d had plenty of choice words for him, as well.

But the worst of it was when he’d gone ‘round the Pub to pack a bag and seen Liv with her blotchy red, tear-streaked cheeks and messy hair, looking so small with her defensive walls back up. Robert almost would have preferred her to yell at him, but her voice was stony and merciless as she told him that she hated him for ruining everything, that she never wanted to see him again, that he should just do like Gordon and kill himself for hurting Aaron. He’d be doing everyone a favor.

And she had a point, didn’t she, Robert thinks as he looks down at the quarry. He hurts people, he kills people, as Aaron and Chas were so keen to point out. And Aaron would know best. He’s been hurt the worst. It seems like the people Robert loves the most are also the ones he hurts the most. When he’d admitted that he couldn’t make Aaron happy and briefly ended their engagement- that may have been the most selfless thing he’s ever done. Because he _can’t_ make Aaron happy. Aaron has bled and suffered because of him, and it was never going to stop. It’s like Robert can’t help himself, like he’s incapable of not hurting people. As much as he hates himself for it, he just can’t stop being the bad guy.

Except he _can_ stop. He can’t take back the hurt he’s already caused, but he can make sure he doesn’t cause any more. He can do what’s best for Aaron, for Liv, for everyone. They’d be better off without him. They know it, they’ve said as much. So he can do this for them. One right thing to atone for all of the wrong.

Robert looks down at the water, black with only the moon to illuminate it. Maybe he should be scared. He was terrified last time he was here watching Aaron and Lachlan fight. He was panic-stricken the time before that, Aaron and Andy both here, both because of him. But tonight, he’s calm- or impassive, maybe. Like all of his nerves and emotions have resigned in protest of recent overuse.

The edge- and the end- is only one step away. One step that suddenly seems like so much more. Walking to his car after his dad sent him away seemed like the longest walk of his life. Then, walking to stand at the end of the aisle at his wedding to Chrissie, hearing only Aaron’s ‘I love you’ and seeing only Katie falling through the floor- that was even longer. But the longest by far was the most recent: leaving the prison, walking away from the man he loves more than anything, who’s in so much pain and taking it out on him, who’s not fighting for their family and he doesn’t understand why.

Remembering Aaron’s face, the pain Robert can’t ease but has only made worse, the edge looks close again. And with a heart full of love and hurt and regret and resignation, he takes a step…


	2. Liv

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and comments! I'm honestly surprised that people are actually reading this. Didn't you read the tags saying how dark and sad this would be? But really, thank you!
> 
> Also, I kinda want to punch myself in the face for all of the angst I'm piling on Liv in this fic. Sorry.

Despite what her school headmaster might say, Liv is neither deaf nor stupid. So she heard Robert and Chas yelling earlier, and she knows how he’s betrayed them. This is going to destroy Aaron, so Robert has to go.

But he’s also been the only one fighting Liv’s corner recently. She knows she’s always kicking off, and often targeting him with her schemes (which she now thinks he totally deserved), but he was always pretty decent towards her anyway. Even though she hates Robert for what he’s done, she’s also worried about what this means for her. She doesn’t want to go back to Sandra.

When she hears the back door and recognizes Robert’s footsteps, she’s thundering down the stairs before she can even think about it. He looks tired and hurting and she takes a bit of satisfaction in that. He destroyed their family, the first one she’s ever really felt a part of, messing things up for both Aaron and her in the process. So she tells him as much. Robert isn’t sniping back, only softly apologizing and agreeing with Liv’s harsh words, but she can’t stop. She’s hurting so badly, and now she is going to be alone and maybe have to leave Emmerdale. And she doesn’t even want to imagine what this is going to do to Aaron, who’s the best thing in her life now…or ever.

No. Robert caused this hurt and he’s right here in front of her, so she’s going to lash out at him. Of course she is. She says some awful things, but nothing he doesn’t deserve. Except when she tells him to top himself like Gordon, she knows she’s crossed a line. Robert’s eyes widen a bit, but then he just looks resigned and says nothing. She thought venting at him would help her feel better, but his general lack of response is just making her more frustrated. She stomps back up the stairs to her room, throwing one last ‘I hate you’ at Robert on the way.

A few minutes later, she hears him leave, obviously having given up on whatever he had come for. Still sniffling, she sits up on her bed and covers her fists with her sleeves, using them to wipe away her tears. On her nightstand she sees a picture of her, Aaron, and Robert in Wales, next to the Little Mix cd Robert bought her, even though he complains about hearing it through the walls when she turns it up too loud. On the floor by her backpack are the new maths books Robert ordered for her. He was always expecting her to do better, to _be_ better. Living up to his standards was hard sometimes, but it was also nice to know that someone believed in her like that.

Then her gaze lands on the blanket at the foot of the bed. A couple of days ago, she’d teased Robert about stealing the best blanket. She knew he’d been sleeping on the sofa (again, she wasn’t stupid), so she didn’t mean for him to give it up, but that night she found the blanket folded on her bed.

It’s not even been an hour, but she already misses Robert and the support he always offered, even if she rarely took him up on it. She’s also feeling bad about some of the things she said to him. Of course, she’s still angry at him and hurt by him, but another side of her feels a little guilty. When Gordon died, Aaron and Chas both told her that it’s okay to have conflicting feelings or even not to know exactly what you’re feeling, and remembering that makes Liv feel a little better.

It doesn’t take long for the emotionally exhausting day to catch up to her, so she lays down, hoping to fall asleep quickly for once. She doesn’t use the blanket Robert left, but she doesn’t move it from the bed either.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

Several hours later, Liv is woken up by someone banging loudly on the back door. Looking over at her clock, she realizes that it’s still too early for Chas to be back, so she’s the only one at home. Groaning, she gets out of bed and pulls on her robe, even though she fell asleep in her clothes. While trying to push some of the mess of hair out of her face, she opens the door to a frantic Vic.

Before Liv can even invite her in, Vic enters and starts asking after Robert. Liv unsympathetically answers that he came over, she told him to do one, and she hopes he stays gone. When Vic turns to look straight at her, tears in her eyes but frustration tightening her lips, Liv worries she’s about to get in trouble. She’s mad at Robert, but she doesn’t want to be on bad terms with Vic, too.

Vic is understanding but also worried, explaining how Robert was supposed to come to Keepers right after picking up some clothes from the Pub. She had expected him hours ago, but he’s not turned up.

With an eye roll and crossed arms, Liv huffs that maybe he’s with _her_. Vic gives her this look that’s supposed to convey that she’s either crazy or stupid. _Of course_ , that was the first place she checked. He’s not there, and with the things Rebecca had to say, it doesn’t seem like he’s welcome there anymore. She had checked the Mill, too, and found no sign of him. Still trying to appear unconcerned, Liv suggests she check bars, hotels, strip clubs, wherever.

Feeling worried and desperate, Vic pleads with Liv to think of anything Robert might have said about going somewhere when he left the Pub. All Vic knows is that he said he’d come to her place, then he’d disappeared and won’t answer his phone. He was in such a bad way earlier, and Vic feels guilty for yelling at him and making it worse. She looks panicked and devastated all at once, defeatedly telling Liv that she’s just needing to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid.

At that, Liv gasps in a small breath and her eyes go wide, remembering what she’d said to Robert earlier. Oh no, she thinks. Robert wouldn’t, would he? But Vic has already seen her reaction, asking if she knows something.

And all of a sudden, Liv is crying again, falling into a surprised Vic’s arms. She’s swearing that she didn’t mean what she said, that she was angry, and she knew she shouldn’t have said it, but she really didn’t mean it. Confused, Vic tries to settle the younger girl, holding her arms to be able to look her in the eye while asking what it was that she had said to Robert.

Liv is stuttering, still crying while sniffling and wiping at her eyes with her sweater-paws. She’s not sure her words are making any sense, but she knows Vic has put two and two together when she tenses, hands gripping Liv’s arms harder. Vic’s look of helplessness shifts to one of purpose. She quickly instructs Liv to call Adam to meet her at the quarry. Then, Liv needs to fill in Chas.

Earlier that day, Liv didn’t think she could feel any worse, but now she knows she was wrong. But she does feel slightly better when Vic gives her a hug and tells her that everything is going to be okay before she sprints out the door.


	3. Vic

When Vic got home from work, she didn’t find Robert or any sign that he’d been there. Seeing an empty and untouched guest room, she tried unsuccessfully to call his cell a couple of times while she walked back downstairs.

Adam was making a snack in the kitchen and said he hadn’t seen Robert all day. Although he wanted to know why Robert was going to be in their guest room again, sure that his brother-in-law had royally messed up again, Vic insisted on postponing that conversation, and Adam’s learned when not to push.

Vic called Robert again and texted with no reply. She was really starting to worry. He had been in a right state earlier. Sure, he deserved to be feeling bad about what he’d done, but she doesn’t want him working himself up into doing something to make things worse. Usually, avoiding her calls means he’s up to something he knows she wouldn’t approve of. So she definitely needs to find him.

Adam offered to go with her but Vic thinks she might need to talk to Robert alone, so she headed out by herself. She had a word or two with Rebecca before heading over to the Mill, then to the garage where they got married (for reasons she doesn’t want to know) and to the barn where Rob wanted to propose (again, she really doesn’t want to know).

When he wasn’t in any of those places, she went to the only other place she could think he might go: the cemetery. Maybe bringing up their father and how disappointed he’d be in Robert right now was a low blow, but she was angry- and still is- at finding out he’d cheated on Aaron. Even though she’s not sure why, she knows mentioning Jack stings for Robert, and she figured he deserved a bit of hard truth. She’s starting to regret that train of thought.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

Now, she has her arms full of sobbing teenager, and she can only understand every few words. When she finally catches ‘sorry,’ ‘angry,’ ‘Gordon,’ and ‘top himself,’ Vic’s able to figure out what was said. As much as she wants to sit Liv down and have a conversation about the power of words, she’s also starting to piece together a very worrisome picture- one of Robert, emotionally stretched beyond his limits, full of regret and self-loathing, hearing each of his loved ones say the most hurtful things they can imagine.

And she knows where she needs to go. She gives Liv instructions, a hug, and reassurance intended more for herself than for Liv, and then she’s running out the door, needing to get to the quarry as quickly as possible.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

Adam arrives about the same time as Vic. They see Robert’s car, but they don’t see him, causing Vic’s panic to grow. She’s screaming out his name and crying, and she knows she has to look over the edge, but she’s not sure she can. While she hesitates, Adam doesn’t, glancing into the water. He curses and immediately takes off in a sprint towards the trail leading down to the base of the cliffs, Vic chasing after.

When they reach the bottom, Adam dives into the water, much like he did back in autumn. Vic might have been impressed, except she isn’t watching. It’s dark out, but there is enough light for her to see her brother’s lifeless body floating in the freezing water. She sinks to the ground, the sting of the rocks cutting into her knees completely eclipsed by the pain in her heart.

Adam drags Robert out of the water, checking over his body for signs of life as Vic crawls over to join them. In her grief, she’s beginning to lose her grip on reality, and it doesn’t register when Adam excitedly shouts that he found a pulse. Adam has to yell at Vic that Robert is alive and needs to get to a hospital for her to snap back into focus.

They carry him the best they can, relieved when emergency personnel meet them half way up the trail. Vic’s too worried to wonder how they even knew to come here. She follows Robert’s body up the cliff and into an ambulance. She doesn’t see anything other than Robert, and she doesn’t hear anything at all. She knows she’s a bit out of sorts, but that doesn’t matter right now. All that matters is Robert, looking more dead than alive, and Vic can’t help but wonder how many times she’ll have to see him that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have thought I wouldn't go there and that they'd get to him in time to stop him- well, I went there.  
> Hello darkness, my old friend...


	4. Adam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back, guys! Thank you so, so much for all the kudos and comments <3
> 
> I apologize for my lack of synonyms for 'sniffles' and for more Liv-feels.

Robert may be his brother-in-law, but Aaron is much more of a brother to Adam than Robert will ever be. So when Vic says that he’s staying at Keepers for the night- maybe longer- Adam is already getting riled up. He knows that the idiot would only be at theirs if he’d done something to hurt Aaron. As if prison wasn’t enough of a hardship at the moment.

He wonders what Robert has done this time, but Vic’s already grabbing her coat and keys. Adam wants to tell her that he’s not worth her worry, that he probably deserves any trouble he finds himself in, but Adam knows how loyal Vic is to Robert, even if he doesn’t deserve it. So instead, Adam offers to go with her. It’s starting to get dark and he’s not sure where she’s going. But Vic is headstrong and insists on going alone.

After a couple of hours, Vic calls, asking if Robert had shown up yet. When he replies no, he can almost hear her teeth clench a little more. Whenever Robert _does_ show up, Adam’s going to have to punch him twice: once for whatever he’s done to Aaron, and again for making Vic worry like this.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

Adam is about to call and check on Vic again when his phone starts ringing. He doesn’t recognize the number, but he answers anyway. The voice is hard to make out between the sniffles, but he can tell that it’s Liv. His confusion melts into concern when she mentions Robert and Vic and the quarry. He tries to say something soothing, but he’s not very good at that sort of thing so he just thanks her and pockets the phone.

Whatever Robert had done doesn’t matter anymore. If he does what Liv clearly thinks he might do, it’ll break Vic, and Adam couldn’t bear that. They don’t need to lose anyone else this year. He jumps in the car and flies down the familiar roads. On the way, he pulls out his phone again and calls 999, just in case.

Vic looks distraught when he sees her and it spurs him into action. He spots Robert's car and goes to check if he can see anything over the quarry edge. Amidst the black, he can make out a shock of pale skin and blond hair reflecting the moonlight. Not knowing if Robert is alive or dead, Adam runs down to the base of the cliffs. The water is cold, but he’s too focused on needing to get to Robert to notice.

Finally, Adam pulls Robert onto the rocky shore. Whether from the cold or from panic, Adam’s shaking too hard to tell if he’s breathing. If he is, it’s shallow. With his fingers pressed to Robert’s neck, he thinks he feels a beat, but he can’t be sure so he keeps waiting. The second time he feels the pulse, he lets out a yell and smiles up at Vic. But Vic isn’t smiling back, staring at Robert and keeping just as still. He yells a little louder this time, seeming to shake her out of her stupor. Adam’s a little worried about her, but he has to get Robert medical help first.

Adam is struggling to get Robert’s unconscious body back up the cliff. Vic is too stunned and unfocused to provide much help, so he’s relieved to see the paramedics coming to meet them. While Vic is following Robert’s body into the ambulance, Adam is saying any reassuring thing he can think of and letting her know that he’ll follow them to the hospital. Vic doesn’t reply or even acknowledge that she heard him, which is concerning, but Adam is helpless to do anything about her state right now. He’ll rejoin her soon, and she’ll be surrounded by medical staff until then, so he has to trust that she’ll be alright.

While he’s walking back to his car, Adam is stopped by another paramedic, worried about him in soaking wet clothes in the chilly weather. He tries to refuse help, but the man wraps Adam in an emergency blanket and convinces him to ride back with them and let him check him over on the way. He’d get to the hospital faster with them anyway.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

At the hospital, Adam is able to get away from the paramedics with a warning to change into some drier clothes. After a stop at the intake desk and two wrong turns, he spots Vic, still seeming hollow, staring through a window as doctors move around Robert with charts and syringes and machines. She’s not allowed to be in the room, she tells him. The doctors need her out of the way while they run tests.

Adam pulls her into a hug to comfort her and she finally cracks, the initial shock wearing off. Her small frame shakes with her sobs and she cries until it seems she hasn’t got any more tears in her. Easing back into awareness, she pulls slightly away from Adam but remains in his arms. When she points out his wet clothes, he brushes it off and they remain silent for a moment. With a jolt, she thinks of Liv and starts to worry about letting her know what’s happened. Adam can see how torn she is, not wanting to leave sight of Robert, so he offers to call Chas for her.

He borrows Vic’s cell because his is water-logged, and he goes to the nearest area where phone calls are allowed. Chas answers on the first ring, and Adam is surprised that she doesn’t sound callous and spiteful when he mentions Robert. But then he hears Liv’s broken voice in the background begging for Chas to tell her that Robert is okay, and he understands. Unfortunately, he can’t offer any relief, only the truth: where they found him, where they are now, and that they don’t know any more.

Chas agrees to bring some dry clothes for him when she brings Liv, and Adam heads back to be with Vic. She’s finally been allowed to sit with Robert, and she’s holding his hand and willing him to be okay.

While they wait for…Adam’s not sure what, exactly- doctors to give them answers, Robert to wake up, Chas and Liv to arrive, anything- Vic tells Adam everything that’s happened in the past couple of days. He doesn’t want to upset Vic more, so he tries to conceal his anger at Robert, but he’s never been a good liar. Vic knows it’s no excuse, but she reminds Adam how much Robert’s been going through lately, how he’s not been himself. She also reminds Adam that _he_ shouldn’t really be one to withhold forgiveness in such a case.

And then Adam remembers which night that was and feels a slight pang of guilt. He saw Robert completely out of sorts with another bottle of whisky in his hand. Adam knew Robert was in a right state and he didn’t bother to make sure he was okay or to recommend Vic check on him. If he’d just been a good mate, none of this would have happened. Vic is unsure what to say, feeling her own share of responsibility for heaping guilt on Robert’s already burdened mind. She just squeezes his hand, and they sit in silence for a while.

After several minutes that feel like days, a doctor comes in to talk to them about Robert’s prognosis. He’s in a coma and they detect minimal brain activity, he says. They don’t know if he’ll ever wake up. Vic doesn’t even notice the doctor leave as she curls into Adam, crying tears that she didn’t know she still had in her. This time, Adam is crying too, heart aching for Vic and Aaron, but also for Robert himself. He’d done a lot of bad, sure, but Adam had spent enough time with him to know that he didn’t deserve _this_.


	5. Chas (1/2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kudos and comments! :D
> 
> The next couple of character POVs are a bit long, so I've decided to break them up into multiple chapters.

Her bad mood is probably irritating the customers, but no one else can cover the bar and the next pub is 30 minutes away, so Chas thinks any complainers can just do one. She’s furious with Robert, stressed over keeping an eye on both Liv and the Pub, and worried about Aaron. He appeared to take the news of Robert cheating better than she expected, but that might be him putting on an act for the other inmates or it might be the drugs.

Between her icy glare, sharp tongue, and quick temper, she’s managed to scare off all but two of the Pub’s patrons when Liv comes running in from the back. She’s holding her phone and crying, mumbling something about Robert, so Chas thinks someone must have told her about him cheating. He’s now upset Liv on top of everything else! She hopes that scum suffers for all of the pain he’s caused her loved ones.

She wraps Liv in a hug, rubbing a hand up and down her back soothingly. Over Liv’s head she can see the last customers and she pulls away long enough to announce the Pub closing early and quickly lock up. Then she guides Liv to the back and sits them on the couch. Chas opens her mouth to say something, but Liv cuts her off, rambling about how he couldn’t do it, she didn’t mean it, didn’t he know that she didn’t mean it, he couldn’t die.

 _Wait, what?_ When Chas asks her what she means by that, Liv takes a deep breath and tells her about overhearing them, about Robert stopping by, and about Vic coming over. Despite everything, Chas still isn’t sympathetic for the man who killed her best friend and shattered her son’s heart again and again, but expressing her bitterness wasn’t going to help Liv. And she’s the only one the moody girl has got right now, so she has to put in an effort.

Convinced Vic would call if something happened, Liv agrees to wait out the night together watching mindless telly as a distraction from her troubled thoughts. While Liv grabs the remote and curls up on the couch, Chas starts a brew and pops upstairs to find something comforting for the upset teen.

When Liv sees Chas return with the blanket from her bed- the one Robert had left for her- she grabs it and hugs it close. Chas can only guess what’s brought on this new wave of emotion, and she’s not sure what to do. She doesn’t have the chance to think about it, though, because her phone rings, getting both her and Liv’s full attention immediately.

While Adam is talking to Chas, confirming Liv’s worst fears, the girl is begging to hear the opposite. Chas tries not to let anything show in her expression, waiting until after she hangs up to tell Liv the news. When she does, Liv falls apart again. It’s her fault, she thinks. Robert is going to die because of her. And Aaron is going to hate her for it.

Chas tries to calm her down. Aaron could never hate her and Robert isn’t going to die. But it’s not until Chas mentions going to the hospital to see Robert that Liv pulls herself together somewhat. Liv heads for the door until Chas points out that she’s still wearing her robe. While she’s exchanging it for a hoodie, Chas collects some of Aaron’s clothes to take to Adam. In Aaron and Robert’s room, she tries not to think about how happy the two had been in here once and how nothing would ever be the same.


	6. Chas (2/2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for kudos and comments! You're too good to me :D
> 
> Chas still isn't very nice to Robert...sorry. I don't like it either.  
> But, we also get some of Aaron. So, yay!

Although they’re not _legally_ related to Robert, Chas is able to intimidate the receptionist into telling her and Liv his room number. Once they find the right room, Chas notices that Vic and Adam’s eyes and cheeks are red from crying. They form a striking contrast to the ghastly pale man on the bed- the ghastly pale man on the pavement…bleeding…dying…

 _Chas!_ Vic shouts at her. Chas shakes her head, trying to dispel the flashback as she catches her breath. Cutting the tension slightly, Adam offers to go with her to get a coffee. She looks at Liv, not sure if she wants to leave the girl. Trying to be strong, Liv gives Chas a nod that it’s okay for her to go.

They haven’t even reached the coffee machine when Adam stops her with a gentle hand on her arm. He relays what the doctor had told them and Chas is a bit stunned. Sure, she had wished him dead on many occasions, but she was beginning to accept that Robert was like a cockroach: pestilent and unwanted but also ineradicable. Although she realizes she should probably feel guilty for feeling this way considering the circumstances, a huge part of her relishes Robert’s karmic condition.

Then, Adam voices the thought she’d been trying to will away- Aaron needs to know. Chas doesn’t know if she can tell him, if she can hurt her boy like this. Especially because she’s not sure she can break the news tactfully, given her animosity for the smug cur. But she also knows she can’t leave it to someone else. She sighs deeply, looks back at Adam, and agrees to talk to Aaron.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

Chas isn’t allowed to visit Aaron until two days later, and she uses that time to build up her courage for the conversation they have to have. When Aaron enters the room, however, her resolution falters. He looks a mess. His eyes are red, sweat sticking his hair to his head, and his shoulders are hunched inward as a sign of insecurity.

After the standard _‘how are you?’_ s, there’s a pause while Chas takes a nervous breath. She finally starts, but Aaron cuts her off as soon as he hears Robert’s name. Thinking about him just makes him angry and upset, and he doesn’t need that, not while he’s in here. It’s getting harder and harder to get the words out, but Chas knows she has to tell him. He’d never forgive her if she kept this from him.

Once she’s finished talking, she knows he’s heard her, but he doesn’t move an inch. It looks like he’s frozen in place. Maybe he’s just gotten really good at putting on a face for the other prisoners, Chas thinks. Then, all of a sudden, his head falls onto his arms, sobs wracking his body. The other inmates and visitors are casting looks their way, but Aaron is beyond noticing. Chas is starting to get concerned about how they’ll treat him after this, worried he’ll face some sort of harm. Even worse, she’s worried he’ll welcome it.

Knowing their time is limited, Chas rubs Aaron’s arms until he calms down enough to lift his head to look at her, stretching his sleeves over his hands to wipe away his tears. When she tells him the whole story of that night, he starts to worry about Liv. Chas reassures him that she will be okay. She just needs a little time. It actually helps that she doesn’t have the pretense of school, so she can’t skive off to who knows where. Vic, Paddy, and Laurel have been helping keep an eye on her, ensuring she feels supported and cared for.

Aaron calls once during the week, immediately asking after Robert, having only enough time to hear major news and quick updates.

At Chas’s next visit, Aaron is looking physically better, but worry lines cross his forehead. Unsurprisingly, he asks for news about Robert first, biting his lip and crossing his arms as if he’s bracing for bad news. It turns out that Robert isn’t doing any better, but Aaron is. Wanting to be there for Robert, Aaron is using this as a catalyst for sorting himself out. He’s stopped taking drugs, and he has been talking to the prison chaplain to help get his head on straight and stay out of trouble. He wants to get out and see Robert, which means he can’t jeopardize an appeal, if he can get one.

With mention of the chance for appeal, Aaron asks if Chas has spoken to the solicitor lately. Does she know if/when he might be up for appeal? Chas stumbles a little over her words before admitting that Robert had been the one doing most of the research on it. But she would contact the solicitor and get back to Aaron with news.

Aaron then shifts focus to how Liv’s doing, if she still feels guilty. Yes, Chas sighs, but it’s manifested in rather…unusual…ways. She stays in Robert’s room most days, doing her school work without complaint. It’s as if she thinks she can heal him by being a good student, a dutiful sister-in-law. Chas huffs a sad laugh. She never thought she’d be _more_ worried seeing Liv behaving.

Speaking of Liv’s school, Aaron asks about progress on getting her back in class with her mates. Looking embarrassed, Chas admits that Robert had been working on that, too. Aaron slumps back a bit, a look of annoyance coming to his face. Was there a major responsibility that Robert didn’t take on by himself? All those Dingles in Emmerdale, and not one of them was helping the newest member of the family?

Chas feels some guilt at Aaron’s admonishment. She had gone to Prague when she thought that Aaron would be okay, but she hadn’t taken into consideration whether Robert would be okay too. Until hearing from Liv, Vic, Adam, and Aaron how much Robert had to work on and stress over lately, Chas had just been unsympathetically adding to his long list of failures and let downs, things to throw back in his face in an argument. Perhaps that had been unfair of her…this time.

Even so, Chas is surprised that Aaron would still call Robert one of the family after what he’d done. Aaron replies that he is angry with Robert, actually kinda hates him, but he loves him, too. Chas realizes that she should have known this already. Aaron’s love for that man seems endless, despite how often she or even Aaron himself has wished it otherwise. Even Liv has come to care about him. As much as Chas would like Robert out of their lives, she sees that they really have become a family and she’s not sure how well Aaron (or Liv) would cope without him.


	7. Aaron (1/4)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you sooooo much for the kudos and comments, my lovelies <3
> 
> TW: This is the chapter that briefly references self-harm. There is a mention of past self-harm and of a desire to start again, but it doesn't actually happen (it's actually slightly optimistic, imo). However, if you want to avoid it, skip the 2nd paragraph of the last section, beginning "Aaron doesn't need..."
> 
> Even though it may seem like it at points, I DO NOT hate Aaron. His thoughts in this are not my thoughts nor what I would want him to think. If I could wrap him up in happy thoughts and warm feelings, I would. Unfortunately, he had to stay a little more in-character for this fic.
> 
> Also, in case it's unclear, this chapter starts after Aaron finds out about Robert's affair but before he learns about his suicide attempt.
> 
> Wow. Long notes this time. Sorry.

Aaron has paced his small cell enough times that his usually-subdued cellmate has snapped at him. He _knew_ Robert couldn’t be faithful. The man is a cheat and a liar, incapable to doing right by others. Aaron should have seen this coming- _did_ see it coming- but it still felt like a stab to the heart.

But then again, his treacherous mind asks him, why would Robert stay devoted to you? He’s attractive and clever, always looking for a thrill. Aaron was only thrilling when he was illicit. Now he’s all gloom and obligation. Really, Aaron’s not sure why Robert stuck around as long as he did.

Their relationship can’t be (couldn’t have been?) any healthier for Robert than it was for Aaron. Robert wasn’t the only liar, wasn’t the only one to hurt the other. Aaron took any opportunity to insult him or guilt-trip him. Robert only asked him for love, trust, and respect, and half the time Aaron couldn’t even give him that. This wasn’t the first time Aaron pushed him away, just the first time someone else was waiting to catch him.

Robert had always come back to him. Aaron could bang up Robert’s car, beat him up, destroy his carefully-crafted life, wish him dead, accuse him of murder, call him every vile name he knows, break off their relationship time and again. No matter what Aaron did, Robert always came back, and Aaron let himself believe he always would.

In his whirling thoughts, Aaron continues to waver between hating Robert and hating himself. He’s upset and conflicted and needs to talk to him, not that he’s expecting the git to visit him again. Even if he did, prison isn’t exactly the best place for a heart-to-heart. Any conversation will have to wait until he gets out, whenever that is. Until then, he needs to think about Robert as little as possible. Because if he stays upset and edgy like this, he’s going to make even more enemies, Aaron thinks as he looks over at his glaring cellmate and stops pacing.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

When Aaron enters the visiting area, he tells himself that he’s not disappointed Robert didn’t come. Chas is looking him over, sizing him up, most likely looking for signs of drug use. He hasn’t used since Robert’s last visit, but he can still feel traces of the drugs coursing through his system and knows he must look a sight to his mum.

Their conversation begins awkwardly, neither quite knowing what to say. Aaron doesn’t want to talk about the elephant in the room and Chas knows it. So when she sighs and starts on about Robert, Aaron is a little peeved. Thinking about Robert gets him worked up, and he needs to keep his cool in order to keep his head down in prison.

Chas changes tactics when she speaks this time, allowing her to get out what she needs to say before Aaron can cut her off again. It takes a minute for her words to sink in. He can’t quite believe it; it feels like a bad dream. But then the dream shatters and so does he. He had thought that losing Robert due to infidelity hurt, but that felt like nothing compared to this.

He’s sobbing, blaming himself, hating that he pushed Robert to that point. But underneath that, he’s also still mad at him for cheating and mad that he might not get the chance to forgive him. Because he _would_ forgive him; he sees that now. Aaron loves him too much not to. He doesn’t know how he can survive if Rob dies.

He feels Chas’s touch on his arms, warm and grounding, allowing him to focus on Rob still being alive (for now). Drying his eyes, he looks up at her and asks to know to whole story, what happened that night.

He’s gutted for Liv and wishes he could wrap her in a hug. Hopefully she isn’t still blaming herself. It’s not her fault at all. He wants to make Chas promise to bring her next time, but he feels so bad about how she saw him last time and he’s comforted by the idea of her staying with Rob. If Aaron can’t be there, at least one member of their little family should be.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

After visiting hours are over, he’s confronted by Jason and his cronies over his breakdown. Fortunately, he’s expecting it and is able to stay in view of one of the guards. The physical violence is limited to a single sucker punch, but they spit out a number of insults and threats. He’s lucky this time, but he _will_ get what’s coming to him, they jeer.

Aaron doesn’t need them to beat him up. He’s beating himself up enough…mentally. He won’t physically harm himself again, even though he longs for the relief it brings. Every time he gets the urge to self-harm, he can’t help but think about all the times Rob’s been there for him in the past year, his strong support keeping him from lapsing back to the dangerous habit. Now, Aaron needs to be the strong one.

That night as he lays in bed, Aaron’s mind is buzzing with difficult and painful thoughts about Robert.  Aaron needs to get himself together and get out of here quickly. Despite his conflicting, angry, hurt feelings, he needs to see that Rob is alive, wrap his arms around him, forgive him, love him.

The next morning, he talks to the prison chaplain about the bullying and the drugs. Asking for help makes him feel weak and pathetic, but he’ll do anything for Rob, to get back to him and be there for him. The chaplain is able to alert the guards to what’s going on without branding Aaron as a nark. Jason gets moved, so there’s no more bullying ring-leader and no more drug supplier, but Aaron knows that it won’t be long until someone else takes his place. But he can’t worry about that right now. He just needs to focus on getting clean and getting out. If Robert- if something happens- if Aaron never sees him again, not even the most compelling reason will allow him to forgive himself.


	8. Aaron (2/4)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, guys! Thanks for all the kudos and comments and for sticking with the story so far :D

Annoyingly, Aaron is only allowed two phone calls this week. The first goes to Chas, and he’s immediately asking for any updates about Robert, but there’s been no change. When he hangs up the phone, he punches the wall out of helplessness and frustration. Imagining Rob’s caring but disappointed reaction to his bloody knuckles, he forces himself to wrap it in a bandage and suppresses the urge to aggravate the wound.

Two days later, he calls Vic, knowing she’s spent the most time at Robert’s bedside. With the short time they have, they talk about Rob’s condition, reminisce about past times spent with him, and remind each other how strong and resilient he is. Aaron’s not sure who’s meant to be reassuring who, but he’s grateful nonetheless. He had assumed that Adam would be with Vic, supporting her, but she surprises him when she says that he’s been working on the Mill. Adam feels bad about not looking out for Robert more. And considering what each of them is going through, Robert, Aaron, and Liv definitely deserve a nice place to come home to. Aaron and Vic both know how Robert messed up before, but neither is doubting that he and Aaron would reach the end of these struggles _together_.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

When Chas visits the next week, she looks tired and cheerless. Aaron thinks that he would have gotten word already if something had happened to his husband, but he still braces for the worst. He tries to feel hopeful when Chas reports that there’s been no sign of change, but they both know that ‘no news is good news’ doesn’t apply to comas.

Aaron tells her about how he’s doing better, hoping she won’t worry so much about him too. He’s determined to do what it takes to get a chance at and win an appeal. When Chas tells him that she doesn’t know how the appeal’s coming because Robert had taken on the task solo, he feels the sting of guilt for not noticing the pressure Rob was under and for thoughtlessly believing he was the only one struggling.

Now, Aaron is desperate for any information about an appeal. Chas has dropped the ball, but she says she’ll find something out. Aaron fists his hands in frustration, knowing he can’t do much from prison. He’ll just have to hope she comes through for him this time.

Wanting to think about something else, he asks after Liv. He’s surprised to hear that she’s been doing schoolwork at Robert’s bedside. Also, for the first time in over two weeks, he gives a short but real laugh at Chas’s story about catching Liv playing Little Mix in the hospital room to ‘annoy Robert out of a coma.’

It warms Aaron’s heart to hear how the bond between those two has grown. They are the two most important people in the world to him, so he loves that Liv is finally treating Robert like the family they are now. Still, it can’t be healthy for her to be cooped up there so much. After Aaron asks about getting her back to school, Chas claims that Robert had been working on that, too, and she’s been too busy to look into it since everything happened. Aaron huffs at her, recognizing that Chas has a lot on her plate, but she also has help from the whole Dingle clan and much of the rest of the village. He feels disappointment with her and empathy for Rob, who must have been so stressed and felt all on his own. And everything Aaron had done and said had only added to his worries and problems.

He really shouldn’t be surprised that Chas is still pretending to be unsympathetic towards Robert. He gets it- he’s still angry about him cheating, too. But as a Dingle, Chas should know better than to think Aaron would just turn his back on family, no matter what they’ve done. Robert has done so many bad things, hurt him so many times, but Aaron _can’t not_ love him.

The fighting, the hurting- it’s just what they do. They have both messed up before- granted, Robert more so- but even when they think it’s the end, they realize they can’t live without each other and find a way forward, promising to be better. It may be unhealthy, but it’s them: messed up, forever.

Aaron needs to get out of here so he can get to Rob and make sure he’s okay. _Then_ , he can yell at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg, a joke! Did you see that?! It's not ALL angst! Lol.
> 
> Aaron will get out of prison in the next chapter, I promise!


	9. Aaron (3/4)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are the best! <3 Your kudos and comments are like rainbows and kittens :)
> 
> Yay! Aaron is finally out of prison! But he's still got lots of angst in his life :'(  
> You may notice one or two events/comments references and think "Wait! That didn't happen on the show!" True, but it happened in this AU, probably when Robert told Aaron that he had cheated. Make sense?

When his appeal was granted, Aaron had never felt so relieved. Focused on getting to Rob, he forced himself not to think about how every passing day means its less likely Robert will ever wake up. He got regular updates during visits from Chas, Liv, and sometimes Adam. When he could, he also called Vic, who spent all of her spare time at the hospital.

His last day has arrived, and Aaron can hardly believe he’s finally getting out. Of the times that he allowed himself to imagine this day, he always assumed it would be Robert picking him up. Even after…he held out hope that Rob would wake up from his coma in time to come get him.

Instead, it’s Chas waiting for him. Liv had wanted to be there, but she is finally back in school, and Chas and Aaron both agreed that she’s missed enough days already. On the way to the car park, Chas tries to convince Aaron to go back to the Pub- have a decent meal, take a shower, get some sleep. But he insists on going to the hospital first. His facial expression and tone of voice must convey his determination, because Chas gives in quickly.

The second he sees Rob, looking pale and gaunt, he can’t help but remember a year and a half ago, when the situation was so similar and yet so incredibly different. This time, instead of venting anger and hate, he’s yelling at Robert for being an idiot for not knowing how much Aaron needs him. He’s pleading with his husband to wake up, to be okay, as he clutches Robert’s hospital gown in his fists and begins to cry.

When his tears slow down, he lifts his head from Robert’s chest, and looks longingly at the man he loves. He wants to pretend Rob is just sleeping, but his perfect stillness unsettles Aaron, who knows how restless Robert is when he’s asleep. Aaron also notices that Rob’s hair is getting long, almost as long as when they first met, and he gently brushes it from his forehead before leaning down to place a kiss there. The gesture makes him think that just six months ago, their places had been reversed. A sad smile appears on his face as he looks at his wedding ring, newly returned to its proper place. His breath hitches when a question comes to mind, but he’s relieved to see that Robert still has his wedding ring on, too.

Although Aaron was too focused on Robert to notice Chas and Vic respectfully slip away when he started to cry, he does notice when they return. Vic sits down on the other side of Robert and relays the latest status report from the doctors, which is exactly the same as what she told him on the phone two days ago and last week and the week before that.

Aaron refuses to go home yet, unable to imagine sleeping in _their_ bed alone. Vic mentions that Rob felt the same way, ‘sleeping’ on the couch when Aaron went to prison. Aaron has to swallow down a small sob, overwhelmed by sadness and empathy. Although Robert had said it before and Aaron didn’t believe him, it seems that he really did think of Aaron as ‘his everything.’ And Aaron had just cast him aside like he was nothing. _Yes_ , it was because of the drugs, but Robert couldn’t have known that for sure. Aaron did have form.

The last words he said to Robert- the last words he said to _his husband_ \- were deliberately hurtful and completely untrue. They are also probably the reason Robert is laying in the hospital bed in front of him. Aaron needs Robert to wake up so he can apologize and tell him the truth. He needs Robert to know how amazing he is and much he loves him.

Vic is looking worriedly at Aaron, regretting her well-meaning comment and the surge of emotion it has caused. Making his best attempt to smile, Aaron thanks Vic for being here for Robert all this time, for taking care of Rob when he (who should have been the one doing it) couldn’t. No need for thanks, Vic responds, that’s what family is about. Since Aaron is here now, though, she’s more than willing to give them a little space and go get some food and a bit of rest. She hasn’t really been taking care of herself, and all the worrying is taking its toll.

Chas knows she should leave too, give Aaron some more privacy, but she just got her son back from prison, and she can’t help but want to be near him. Plus, watching Aaron and Robert together, the way they look at each other, always reminds her that there is so much more to Robert than what he shows everyone. Maybe she should try harder to see in him what Aaron sees. Maybe she should have treated her new son-in-law with the concern and protectiveness she shows her son. Standing at the back of the room, watching Aaron gaze at his husband and play with his wedding ring, she commits to do better by Robert in the future, thinking all of this through until she needs to slip out to pick up Liv from school.

Aaron doesn’t notice her, too wrapped up in his own thoughts. How could Robert try to kill himself? He is so confident, smug, and persistent. But maybe that Robert died a long time ago, maybe Aaron killed him (if he was ever more than a façade to begin with). The Rob he’s looking at now- the one he refused to see before- is vulnerable, guilt-ridden, and self-sacrificing.

Eyeing the machines and IVs, Aaron hates that he did this to him. He made Robert feel like he isn’t important to him, like he isn’t good for him, like Aaron doesn’t cherish and need him. Too many times, Aaron used his knowledge of Robert’s insecurities to hurt him- saying he isn’t family, bringing up Katie, calling him useless, admitting that he expected him to cheat- and that’s just in the last month! And it’s not only the bad things Aaron did, but also the good things he didn’t do. He can’t remember the last time he did something special for Robert or initiated affection with him without a particular reason. He can’t remember the last time he said _I love you_ just because it’s true.

 _I love you_ , he says aloud. Doctors always say that people in a coma can hear you, so he repeats it over and over. _I love you. I love you. I love you._ He needs Robert to hear him now. He needs Rob to hear him, wake up, and tell Aaron it’s not his fault. It may be selfish, but the weight of this guilt seems unbearable. He’s been through this before, and he can’t watch another man he loves die because of him.

He’s fallen back into silence when Liv comes running through the door, crushing Aaron in a hug. After they finally let go, she sits on the bed in front of Aaron, mindful of Robert’s legs. As they both turn their attention to Robert, their initial smiles from being reunited are dimmed by the realization that the last time the three of them were together was for the (pseudo) wedding.

Although Liv came to see Aaron a couple of times in prison after…it still feels like they have a lot to catch up on. He is simultaneously pleased and saddened to hear Liv admit that she misses Robert, even though she knows he’s right here. Fortunately, she doesn’t feel quite as guilty about Robert as she had at first, and getting back to school and her friends has been a welcome distraction.

They stay and talk until Liv’s stomach is growling for tea, and Aaron (who hasn’t eaten since breakfast) reluctantly agrees to head to the Pub. Still talking about the latest Gabby-drama, Liv hops off the bed and smooths out the top blanket. Aaron recognizes it from the Pub, making him curious about how it got here, but he has a feeling he shouldn’t ask.

When Liv has left to find Chas in the hospital caf, Aaron turns back to Robert, leaving his husband with a soft kiss and a promise to return the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea why I am so obsessed with that blanket. It's so cute, I just had to bring it up one more time :)
> 
> Also, I apologize for my over-use of the word 'need.' I even annoyed myself with that one :/


	10. Aaron (4/4)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, my dearies!! Thank you so much for the kudos and comments <3  
> Thanks for sticking with it :D

It doesn’t take long for the Sugden-Dingle families to fall into a sort of schedule. Aaron hates hospitals, especially given the amount of time he’s spent in them wishing either that he would die or that a loved one wouldn’t, but that doesn’t stop him from being there every single day. He is occasionally joined by (or relieved by, if they can get him to go take care of himself) another of Rob’s loved ones. Liv, Chas, Vic, Adam, and Diane come, of course. And- somewhat surprisingly- so do Charity, Noah, Bernice, Nicola, Laurel, and Harriet.

Rebecca seems to have sense enough not to stop by, but Aaron does hear that she’s been asking about Robert around the village. He wants to punch her, but that’s the sort of thing that got him taken away from his husband in the first place. He won’t let it happen again.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

The first time Diane comes to visit, she has Doug in tow and looks more sheepish than usual. She even asks Aaron if it’s alright for her to be there. He’s a bit confused and notices some tension between her and Vic, but he shrugs it off, gesturing for her to sit in the remaining empty chair. Rob needs his loved ones around him right now, supporting him. Besides, Aaron’s too physically and emotionally worn down to get in the middle of any drama.

When Aaron next sees Diane, she’s come alone. Chas has just stepped out for a coffee, and Vic and Adam aren’t due to arrive until later, so Aaron’s lone presence appears to make Diane much more at ease. After a bit of stilted small talk, she admits that Vic had told her about Robert sleeping with Rebecca. Having run the gamut of emotions with regard to Robert recently, Aaron isn’t sure how to respond, so he remains silent. Shaking her head, Diane sighs sadly. She really thought Robert had changed. Jack would be so disappointed.

Aaron is immediately defensive, his heart breaking for his husband. He's laying _right there_ , possibly able to hear them, and she says _that_? Robert may be unable to defend himself right now, but Aaron certainly can. Standing up so quickly his chair falls over backwards, Aaron berates Diane for mentioning Jack, who would have no right to cast judgment on Robert. Jack is a main reason he's like that anyway.

Diane is taken aback at this statement, unable to respond. Having just returned, Chas is also stunned, but she shakes out of it quickly, going to Aaron to calm him down. Worried an angry outburst could land him back in prison, Chas is firmly holding his arm, entreating him to sit down and stop shouting. But Aaron doesn’t listen to her. Instead, he’s only hearing ‘ _Don’t tell Diane or Vic, please, I don’t want them to know_ ’ in Robert’s sad and scared voice, almost sounding real.

But Robert deserves for them to know the truth; he deserves to be understood. Even Aaron didn’t really understand before…but he does now. He glances back at his sensitive, spurned, self-hating husband- this amazing man who denies himself in order to affirm what others want him to be, who hurts others because he cannot contain his own pain, who is desperate for empathy and familial love that he has never felt directed at him. And Aaron can’t stop himself from telling Diane the ugly truth. He tells her about a young lad, barely older than Liv, mourning the loss of the only person who showed him unconditional love, forced to remain in the care of a man who found him deficient…and also deviant.

At a loud gasp, they turn towards the doorway, where Vic and Adam are standing. Aaron has no idea how long they’ve been there, but it’s clear that they heard what he’d said about Robert- and about Jack. When Diane starts to talk, Aaron looks back at her and shuts her down. She’s trying to apologize, asserting that she didn’t know, but he doesn’t care. She has claimed to consider herself Robert’s step-mum, but she just watched as he lashed out at a world he couldn’t find a place for himself in. Like the rest of Emmerdale has done, like Aaron himself once did, she didn’t bother to look past the surface, judging Robert for his broken pieces, letting him cut himself on the jagged edges rather than helping him put them back together.

Aaron doesn’t feel as bad as he probably should when he sees any fight drain out of Diane. Quietly complying with his request to leave, she picks up her purse and heads for the door. On her way out, she passes Vic, now wrapped up in Adam’s comforting arms, and they share a look of commiseration and shame at memories of times they’ve said something out of ignorance that must have been agonizing for Robert.

The room is perfectly still for a couple of minutes, everyone feeling a bit lost. Eventually, Vic moves to sit in Diane’s vacated seat, Adam sitting beside her. With shaking hands, she tentatively reaches out for Robert’s, and her whispered apologies echo around the otherwise-silent room.

Before Aaron has the chance to sit down too, his mum has him in a tight embrace and he can almost _feel_ her sympathy and guilt. He’s surprised even more when she goes to Robert, putting a hand on his shoulder before moving it to softly comb through his hair. In this moment, Aaron is breathless. He knows that for Chas, Robert is no longer ‘Aaron’s boyfriend’ or ‘Aaron’s husband’ but is _her son-in-law_. Robert has finally been accepted as a Dingle. The family Rob has so desperately wanted, the support he’s always needed, the love he deserves- it’s right here, just waiting for him to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Diane! She makes one unintentionally hurtful statement and this is what happens :(
> 
> Also, I don't really agree with Aaron revealing what should be Robert's story to tell, but I think it's a very Aaron thing to do.


	11. Diane (1/3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are amazing! Thank you soooo much for all of your kudos and comments <3 <3 <3
> 
> I'm not quite as proud of Diane's story, but it's allowed me to address a few things I wouldn't be able to work in otherwise. I think Diane seems a bit ooc. But, then again, she did threaten Chrissie with a shotgun, so...maybe not.
> 
> Oh, and so you don't feel a little lost at the beginning: we've gone back to the night of Robert's suicide attempt.

Diane is prepared to have words with whoever is calling her before dawn, but she bites back her admonishments when she sees Vic’s name on the caller ID. Her step-daughter wouldn’t be calling now without a good reason. Answering the phone, she becomes concerned when she only hears sniffles and is unable to get Vic to tell her what’s wrong. After a short silence, Diane thinks Vic must pass off the phone, because then Adam addresses her. If she wasn’t so worried, she’d smile at him introducing himself as if she still can’t recognize his voice.

Before Adam even finishes telling her about Robert’s suicide attempt, she’s out of bed and getting ready to head to the hospital. However, Adam tells her to wait until morning, since the doctors aren't anticipating any change quite yet. With Liv and Chas there too, the hospital staff is already looking unhappy about the number of Robert’s visitors during restricted hours. Adam will need to get his car anyway, he says. He can pick her up on his way back.

Worried and restless, Diane knows she isn’t going to get back to sleep, and at this time of the morning, she has nothing to distract her from her thoughts. Not knowing why Robert would try to kill himself, she can’t help but think that she should have noticed him struggling and done something to help. Robert is a good at keeping up appearances, and he won’t ask for help, even when he needs it. Diane knows this, so why did she believe that he was fine?

 _Of course_ , he wasn’t fine, having Aaron in prison and Liv in trouble. That teen is always in trouble, so much like Robert at her age, Diane thinks, smiling briefly. She doesn’t visit with her step-son as often as she should, but she sees enough to know that he’s good for that girl, though she doubts that the two of them have realized it yet. Robert always was one to underestimate the effect he has on other people- for good or for bad. Maybe if she’d just been there for him more…

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

By the time Adam arrives, Diane is already standing outside waiting. She’s anxious to hear any updates about Robert and impatient to see him. Seeing how exhausted Adam looks, Diane almost wants to send him home to sleep, but her priority right now is getting to Robert, just like his is getting back to Vic. They can wait two minutes, though, so Diane goes back inside and returns with a bag with some fruit, bread, and bottles of water. She’s not sure if anyone will feel like eating, but she’s going to do what she can to make sure no one else in her family needs a hospital bed.

While Adam parks the car at the hospital, Diane goes ahead to Robert’s room. Before she gets to the door, she hesitates at the window, taking in the scene. Connected to IVs and machines, Robert looks as fragile on the outside as he must have felt last night on the inside. It’s so hard for her to reconcile the selfish prat she used to know with this vulnerable, despairing man on the bed. How did she not notice him changing this much?

At Robert’s side, Vic has her head laid on the bed and looks to be sleeping. Opposite her, Chas is shaking her head at Liv, who’s slumped over a less-than-comfortable-looking chair. The girl looks knackered, but she’s refusing to go home. Watching this family Robert has found for himself, Diane is proud of her step-son but sad that he obviously didn't see it himself.

Not wanting Adam to arrive with her still wavering in the hallway, Diane steps into the room. Upon hearing the door open, Chas turns and immediately goes to greet her friend. When Diane sends Liv a _hello, pet_ , Chas also returns her attention to the gloomy girl and insists that she and Liv allow for ‘Sugden family time.’ Although Liv is pretty sure Chas is just using Diane’s arrival as an excuse to get her to return to the Pub, she slides out of the chair and onto her feet. As she pauses and looks back at Robert, Diane and Chas both notice her lip quivering, but neither says anything.

Once they’ve left, Diane sits in the now-empty seat next to Robert. Ignoring the desire to reach out for him, she leaves her hands in her lap, thinking about how the two of them have never really been close enough for such a display. She had always silently blamed Robert for that, the arrogant delinquent constantly hurting people and pushing them away. But maybe he just needed someone to love him enough to push back. He has that now- with Aaron, with Liv, with Vic- but it might be too late. If she had done better by Robert back then, would he be here right now?

Robert needs to wake up. He needs to stay alive, so he can be for Liv what Diane should have been for him. He’s already doing a much better job.

When Adam makes it to the room, he silently sits next to his wife. He rubs his hand up and down her back to gently wake her before trying to get her to eat something from Diane’s bag of food. Vic doesn’t feel up to eating, but she thanks Diane anyway and goes to her for a hug, holding a little longer than usual in order to comfort (and be comforted by) her step-mum.

After they sit back down, Diane can’t hold in the question any longer. _Why?_ With a deep sigh, Vic tries to find the words for everything that’s happened. Just yesterday she had been so upset with her screw-up brother, but today her voice is filled with sympathy for him.

At the new information about Robert and Rebecca, Diane’s emotions keep shifting along with her thoughts. She can’t help her first thought that he _should_ have felt guilty. As she looks again at her step-son’s expressionless face, she knows she ought to be more forgiving. Robert may have messed up- _as usual_ \- but no one deserves to get to this point. However, she still feels a bit vexed at having been so worried and apologetic towards someone who had predominantly brought his suffering on himself.

They sit in thoughtful silence for a long time, while the weight of everything starts to sink in. Although she isn’t yet sure what to think about everything that’s happened, Diane still considers Robert family. With Val's and Andy's disappearances from her life still smarting, Diane isn’t sure she can handle losing anyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me so far :) Over 10k words! Wow!


	12. Diane (2/3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your kudos and comments make me so happy! Thank you bunches!! <3
> 
> If you've been wondering what caused the tension between Diane and Vic, you're about to find out ;) Also, Adam is basically the best. For reasons.

The next day, Diane returns to find Adam and Vic sitting together, almost propping each other up. They're barely awake, even though they are meant to be keeping an eye on Liv, since Chas had to go open the Pub. Fortunately for them, Liv herself is asleep, curled up on a chair across the room. Adam and Vic are so out of it that they don’t even notice Diane until she asks if there’s been any change. _Not yet_ , Vic tells her with a hopeful tone, before the room lapses into silence again.

After a few moments, Adam realizes that Diane is awkwardly standing with nowhere to sit. Yawning, he stands and goes to wake Liv, offering to take her to the caf downstairs. Grumbling about not being hungry, she just curls into a tighter ball and ignores Adam’s pointed stare. Finally, he threatens her by mentioning Chas going to see Aaron tomorrow. Does she want him worrying about Robert _and_ her? That gets her reluctantly up and shuffling towards the door, Adam following after with a slight smirk of victory.

Once she’s sure Liv is out of earshot, Diane turns to look at Vic somberly, asking how Robert is _really_ doing. Glancing at her brother and then quickly back at Diane, like she can’t bear to look at Robert while relaying the doctor’s news, Vic says that it doesn’t look good. They have to stay optimistic, though. Robert can’t die thinking he’s unloved and unlovable, because he isn’t.

No, he definitely isn't, Diane agrees. Eyes moving to Robert’s wedding ring, she laments that Aaron can’t be here. With a huff of exasperation, Vic complains that Aaron doesn’t even know yet. This isn’t something you can say over the phone, and the prison won’t let Chas visit until tomorrow, despite her explaining the situation.

Speaking of family that should know and be here for Robert, Diane wonders if there’s any chance of getting ahold of Andy. Apparently not. Vic points out the sad irony of the situation: that Robert is the only one of them that is clever, conniving, and connected enough to possibly track Andy down.

Oh Andy, Diane thinks, out there on the run somewhere, disconnected from his family, and maybe _never_ able to return now. And it’s not even his fault! Andy always was the less troublesome of the two boys who were constantly tormenting each other. With their history, maybe he would see tragic justice in how Robert’s cheating ways finally came back to hurt himself, too.

The words are barely out of Diane’s mouth when Vic’s eyes narrow to a glare. Looking ready for a fight, she’s instinctively angling her shoulders like she’s trying to shield Robert with her small frame. Even now, Robert is getting compared to and falling short of Andy. No wonder he always feels like he isn’t good enough. In the past, Vic never believed Robert’s accusations of favoritism, but she just adds that to the list of ways she has failed him. She won’t be making that mistake again.

Diane is so surprised when Vic kicks her out of the room that she just complies. As she reflects on what she had said, she thinks she probably deserved that reaction. Feeling apologetic, Diane is determined to make it up to Vic- and to Robert- in whatever way she can.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

Vic is ignoring her, but Adam tries to keep the peace, always being cordial and accepting the casseroles Diane drops by Keepers every few days. Diane has also started working at the Pub again for a few hours a day so Chas can spend more time with Liv, taking her to see Robert or picking her up from school when she can finally go again.

After almost two weeks of this new routine, Diane is on her way to the Pub for the afternoon, when she overhears Chrissie and Vic arguing outside. In a loud voice, the White Witch bitterly mentions Robert, making it clear that she knows about his affair with Rebecca. She thought he was well-past his ‘gay identity crisis,’ but now he’s decided to dupe her sister by playing straight again.

Vic- always the protective little sister- isn’t going to put up with that. _He’s bisexual, okay!_ When Chrissie rolls her eyes and starts a sentence that’s sure to be incredibly derogatory, Diane walks over to interrupt her, thinking Chrissie probably doesn’t want to finish that sentence. They both know how Diane responds to people denigrating her boys. Throwing back one last snipe about typical Sugden violence, Chrissie walks away with her head held high, as if a woman almost twice her age didn’t just make her feel threatened.

One she’s gone, Diane turns to her step-daughter, calming her down. Vic is at the Pub to help with a big catering job today, and the longer she stands about fuming, the later she can return to the hospital. However, before Vic heads inside, Diane hesitantly wonders at her fiery defense of Robert’s sexuality. Chrissie didn’t say anything more vile than she usually does. What got Vic so worked up?

With more than a little sadness in her eyes, Vic tells her step-mum about her most recent phone call from Aaron. All that’s happened has brought up thoughts about his own suicide attempt several years ago; he’s desperate to ensure that when Robert wakes up, he doesn’t wish that he hadn’t. Feeling disconnected and powerless to help his husband from prison, he confided in Vic that Robert is still very insecure about the way others- especially his husband- perceive his bisexuality. Apparently, several of their fights involved ignorant and hurtful remarks by Aaron that he now whole-heartedly regrets, believing they probably added to Robert’s recent troubled mental state. But Aaron wasn’t the only one to say such things, Vic points out to Diane, who mournfully agrees.

Although Vic is still upset about what Diane said at the hospital, she thanks her for stepping in with Chrissie. Aaron is getting out of prison in a few days, and Vic will leave it up to him as to whether or not Diane is welcome back at Robert’s bedside. Recognizing this gesture of clemency, Diane gives a smile and a nod before heading with Vic into the Pub to start work.

After sending Chas on her way, Diane has time to think while occasionally pulling pints. Robert has messed up often, but if his family had always advocated for him as strongly as Vic is doing now, maybe he wouldn’t have done some of the bad things he has. Not that it makes them okay, though.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

When Aaron is released from prison, Diane is glad to be able to visit Robert again…until she actually sees him. Her own timidity at returning is replaced with dismay upon seeing her step-son. Since she last saw him, he’s become even paler, something she hadn’t thought possible. He’s also lost weight, she can tell.

To keep away tears, she looks away from Robert, turning towards Doug. The man looks uncomfortable to be included in such an emotional situation with a family he doesn’t really consider himself a part of, so Diane understands when he gestures that he’s going to wait outside. Taking a deep breath and surveying the rest of the room, she sees flowers and cards, some of Liv’s artwork, assorted snacks, a toothbrush next to Vic’s purse, and a blanket that definitely isn’t hospital-issue. The lived-in feel of the room reminds her again how long Robert has been here. That can’t be a good sign, increasing her worry for Robert and also for Vic, Aaron, and Liv. She doesn’t want to think about what would happen to Robert’s loved ones if he didn’t pull through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a headcanon for this fic that Rebecca has never been pregnant, ran away or died in a ditch, and nobody noticed or cared.  
> But if you like Rebecca, you can pretend that she's finally grown a spine and is out being Ms. Independent somewhere where she doesn't desperately chase after the affection of people who don't care about her and she'd never sleep with someone who is totally wasted.  
> Okay, rant over.
> 
> And on a lighter note, I used to dance growing up all through university and I think that has effected my subconscious typing skills somehow. I've written over 3000 words about Diane and I still keep accidentally typing 'Diance.' Lol.


	13. Diane (3/3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya, lovelies!! Thanks so much for the kudos and comments <3
> 
> I haven't proof-read this chapter as many times as I usually do, so I hope it's not too messy :/

Two days later, Diane returns to find Aaron alone with his husband. If she didn’t know better, she would think the poor lad hadn’t moved at all since she was last here. At his look of despair, Diane feels herself slipping into a motherly mode. She _is_ sort of his mother-in-law now, considering he’s married to her step-son. What a pity to be _here_ so soon after getting married! Though- she thinks- it _has_ been long enough for Robert to cheat on him.

Understanding that Aaron might need someone to talk to about everything, she tells him that she knows about Robert and Rebecca. Instead of responding, he continues to sit in silence, eyes full of so much emotion and so much pain. Commiserating with him, Diane is disappointed in Robert for having hurt this young man who has already been through so much and who he claimed to love more than anything. It’s so reminiscent of the teenage Robert, she knows Jack would be disappointed, too.

She’s lost in thoughts of the past, so she’s startled when she hears a chair crash to the floor. Looking up, she sees Aaron on his feet, huffing in anger. Before she can even ask what’s happened, he’s yelling at her for bringing up Jack. Almost all of the things Robert hates about himself are down to his father, the distraught man yells.

Stunned at the outburst, Diane can’t understand the cause of it. Sure, Jack and Robert didn’t have the best relationship, she concedes, but that was mostly due to the teen’s unruly behavior. While Chas is trying to calm down her son, Diane attempts to figure out what Aaron is talking about. All too soon, though, Aaron steps away from his mum, glares straight at Diane, and tells her a horrible story.

As much as Diane had loved Jack, as much as she doesn’t want to believe what Aaron has said, she knows it’s true. Jack was more old-fashioned that he’d admit, with a big reputation in a small village, and she couldn’t deny his violent streak. She also knows that Robert hates to reveal his insecurities, so if he told Aaron about this, it must have had a significant lasting impact. Saddened (but not surprised) that her step-son had kept this secret from her, Diane begins to regret what she said earlier- and all of the times she’s talked to Robert regarding Jack and his approval.

When she sees Vic and Adam in the room, she needs her upset step-daughter to understand that Jack had never mentioned this incident to her; no one had. Turning to Aaron in apology, she avows that she wouldn’t have said all the things that she did if she had known, but he isn’t at all sympathetic towards her. What kind of step-mum was she to just assume the worst of Robert? And when the young man was hurting, and his father cast him out, she did nothing.

He’s right, Diane admits. Seeing Robert lash out, she had added her judgment to that of the rest of the village, Jack included. With all the wrong she’d let happen to him, all the wrong she’d unknowingly done herself, she concedes when Aaron says that it might be best for her to go. As she leaves, she looks over at Vic, knowing that her step-daughter understands how she feels, because she looks to be feeling the same way.

 

* * * * * * * * * *

 

Even though Diane knows that Aaron isn’t still angry with her specifically, she understands that she is a painful reminder of how the love of his life spent over a decade feeling misunderstood and unloved, an experience that most certainly played a role in his suicide attempt. If Robert is going to recover, he needs his strong husband by his side, so Diane is going to do what she can to support Aaron, even if that means giving them some space for a bit.

In the meantime, she’s back to splitting her time between running the B&B, working at the Pub, checking in on Vic and Adam, and making sure Liv has something to eat for tea other than crisps. As she’s out and about, she overhears a lot of rumors, which isn’t unusual for their nosy little village. But ever since news of Aaron’s outburst got out, most of the chatter has been about him and Robert or Robert and Jack. Increasing her sympathy for her step-son, Diane is greatly bothered by how almost no one believes what Aaron said, accusing Robert of making it up for want of sympathy. The Sugdens know better, as do Aaron, Liv, Chas, and Adam, but the rest of the villagers are unconvinced.

Incensed by two days of ruthless gossip, Chas finally threatens to bar from the Pub anyone heard bad-mouthing her son-in-law. As all of the patrons fall silent, Diane can’t help but smile in appreciation. Only a month ago, she would never have expected the headstrong woman’s change of heart about Robert. Even though Chas will probably always see in him the man who kept hurting her son, she can also now recognize a young lad, done wrong by his father, compensating for it in terrible ways. Really, it’s not surprising that she’d start to see him as a second son. Diane can’t wait to see the look on Robert’s face when he finds that out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys! Seriously! We are almost at the end! Can you believe it?!
> 
> I warn you: The will be quite a bit longer than the other chapters. But there really isn't a way for me to break this one up ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	14. All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe we're at the end, guys! Wow! *internally screaming* ...... *externally screaming*  
> Thank you super much for all of the kudos and comments <3 You are amazing!
> 
> Any show-canon since the fic began is not part of this story's universe. For reasons.
> 
> This chapter is significantly longer than the others, and it is also formatted a little differently. The beginning does have the character perspectives like the chapters, but it switches for each section. You'll know who it's supposed to be focused on because their name will begin the section. After Aaron, it's just general/all.

Diane pauses at the door to Robert’s room, her breath stilling momentarily as she takes in the sight before her. The room is perfectly still and the quiet beeping out of a heartrate is the only noise. Sometime during the privacy of nighttime restricted hours, Aaron appears to have allowed himself to lay on the bed, curling gently around his husband. Diane imagines he can’t be comfortable, squished into the tiny space next to Robert, careful to avoid various wires and tubes, but it’s probably the best sleep he’s had since…since his wedding night, maybe. Unable to bring herself to disturb him, she waits in the lobby for about 15 minutes until she sees a nurse go into the room.

When Diane enters this time, the guarded young man is back in ‘his’ chair, slumped over the bed and holding Robert’s hand like it’s something precious. To Aaron- she supposes- it is. He really does love her Robert. For too long, Diane had let herself believe that she loved Robert because she’s his step-mum, she’s supposed to. But she didn’t _really_ love him or even really know him, and her actions showed it. Looking back, she’s not sure how she didn’t see that. But, sadly, Robert did.

Even though Aaron asked her to be here today, he hasn’t looked at her once since she arrived. She understands, but it still hurts. Robert being in the hospital like this- it’s brought his family together, but it’s also tearing them apart. She’s worried they can’t handle any more tribulations.

* * * * *

Adam and Vic arrive just as Diane is sitting down. While Vic greets the others and sits in the remaining chair next to Diane, her husband sets a cake on the side table, knowing no one’s actually going feel like eating anything. _It’s store bought._ If that doesn’t show the state Vic is in, he isn’t sure what will. He settles behind her chair, draping his arms around her shoulders.

Finding the quiet off-putting, he wants to say something, but he can’t seem to think of anything fitting. He hates that the people he cares about so much are just stewing in their guilt and grief and worry. But it’s not like he isn’t. He saw Robert the night everything went downhill. He knew the drunk blond wasn’t okay, but he didn’t care about leaving him in a right state.

It was easy to not be bothered about his brother-in-law. Arrogant, cheeky, and flash, he acts like he’s always gotten whatever he wanted, and he always wants more. But it was just that- an act- Adam’s learned. Seeing Robert trying to do right over the past year and a half, Adam has even stuck up for him once or twice. Showing concern every now and then wouldn’t have been hard. Even if it was, Adam is a pro at being mates with difficult people. He _is_ best friends with Aaron, after all.

For some reason, Adam had thought that working on the Mill would make him feel better, less responsible for everything that happened. Three days after finishing, though, and nothing has changed. If he- or any of them- are going to get remittance from their guilt, they’ll have to get it from Robert when he wakes up. And if he doesn’t wake up…they’re all trying not to think about that.

* * * * *

Vic is comforted by her husband’s arms around her. No matter how much she’s cried, she always feels about to start again, so she appreciates the grounding gesture. Since Aaron was released from prison, Vic hasn’t been at the hospital as often, leaving her brother in his husband’s loving hands. Despite being able to start taking care of herself better (which she definitely needed), she still feels like a wreck, emotionally and physically.

She really messed up. All the times she called Robert daft for being jealous of the ‘golden boy,’ all the times she oversimplified his struggle with his sexuality, all the times she ignored his pleas not to talk about Dad, she should have listened more. Instead of chiding her brother- well, maybe in addition to chiding her brother- when he’d done something stupid, she should have asked him why he’d done it. Since he’s been back in the village, Vic had thought they’d grown closer, but she had no idea how much she still didn’t know about her brother. The poor sod was trying to protect her, but she wants to protect him, too.

And as overprotective as Robert is with his sister, Vic can’t help a small smile at imagining how he’ll be with his niece or nephew. (So maybe she wasn’t just sick from the worry.) With things the way they are, she isn’t quite ready to tell everybody, so of course Adam can’t know yet. He wouldn’t be able to resist shouting it out to the whole village. While Vic wants to do that, too, she just doesn’t feel up to celebrating while Robert is still in a coma. When her brother wakes up, she wants to tell him first- after her husband, of course.

* * * * *

Chas still keeps forgetting how hard it is to get a moody teenager out the door on a Saturday morning, so she’s not too surprised to see that everyone else has already arrived by the time she and Liv get to the hospital. Of course, _now_ the girl has energy, she sighs, as Liv sets her homemade card on the side table and then beelines to Aaron. After hugging her brother, Liv sits on the armrest of the chair with one of his arms remaining around her. With all of the seats taken, Chas decides to lean against the wall behind them.

Every day, Robert is looking worse. Although she hopes Aaron hasn’t noticed, she’s sure that he has. Shifting her gaze to him and Liv, worry rises in her chest until it hurts. While being with Robert could be bad for Aaron, being without him may be worse. And the man did fight to do right by Liv more than anyone else did, more than even the girl’s soft touch of a brother could.

Her son-in-law is a total screw up, but Chas isn’t able to deny that he loves his husband immensely, not now that she’s had time to think over everything. From him selflessly supporting Aaron through the trial to his easy acceptance of their relationship quickly growing from two to three, from what he said about the lake and staying with Aaron to his focus on his husband’s needs leading up to and after going to prison, he clearly isn’t who he used to be, and she should have recognized that sooner.

Honestly, she should have recognized a lot of things sooner. She greatly underestimated his struggles, and from the looks of it, everyone else did, too. So much of who he is has been defined by the damaged young boy that he was. After she missed all the signs with her own son that something significant was wrong, Chas had promised herself that she wouldn’t miss them again…but she did.

Now that she knows much more about Robert through stories from Aaron, Liv, and Diane, she is dedicated to doing better by him, supporting him, protecting him. That doesn’t mean she’ll put up with any of his crap, of course. But he’s one of her boys now, part of the family, and Dingles take care of each other. Robert was already doing his part, now it’s time she starts doing hers.

* * * * *

Liv is really grateful for Aaron’s reassuring presence beside her. He spends so much time here, and only allows her to come for an hour or two a day, insisting that she keep up with schoolwork and spend time Gabby, who also needs a friend right now. With as little as Liv sees him, she really misses her brother- she really misses _both_ of her brothers. After the times she rejected Robert’s attempts to be a family, she realizes that she’s come to need her _weird bisexual brother-dad_ just as much as she needs Aaron.

She’ll be better this time. If Robert just wakes up, she’ll be perfect- the best sister he could ever hope for- uh, except for maybe Vic, she supposes. But no more skiving or drinking or punching people, no more general delinquency or slagging him off or giving him grief…no more telling him to- that he should-

Not meaning to cry, she couldn’t help the tears rolling down her face or the way her cheeks went all red. Aaron’s arm around her pulls her in closer until her face is buried in his shoulder. Everyone else is nice enough to pretend not to notice to save her a bit of embarrassment.

She had been starting to feel a little less guilty about what she’d said that night, but today’s just making it all worse. After everything Robert’s done for her and for Aaron, he doesn’t deserve to be here like this, and definitely not on his birthday. They’ll have to make it up when he wakes up, Liv resolves, tears slowing as she imagines his faux-offended-but-actually-amused reaction to the card she drew with monkey-Robert on the front.

Even though she’d teased him a lot (and done much worse than teasing, too), he stuck by her and looked after her when Aaron was gone, even though she had given him an easy out. Certainly he knew that she didn’t want him to kill himself. He had to know, but she needs to tell him anyway when he wakes up. Just to make sure.

* * * * *

Aaron’s heart eases a little when Liv is wipes away the last of her tears, shifting back to the arm of the chair. She sends him a small smile to assure him that she’s fine. But she’s not, none of them are. Rob just needs to wake up, and then everything will be okay.

Looking around, he feels a little daft. All of them gathered here on Robert’s birthday, when the guest of honor is just- _there_ but not. Last year, Aaron didn’t even remember his boyfriend’s birthday until after tea when he saw a text from Vic light up the man’s phone. Liv was a bit embarrassed when she learned that they’d missed Robert’s last birthday, Aaron thinks, due to the way she kicked off on hers. Not wanting his sister to turn out like her two flawed guardians, he makes sure she knows that suppressing emotions isn’t a good thing. He and Rob know better than anyone. Two birthdays ago, they were in the midst of betraying each other and destroying themselves.

This was going to be the birthday that Aaron was gonna finally get right, and he bottled it again. Obviously, it wasn’t the first thing on his mind in prison, not that he thought he’d be out in time anyway. If things were different, he would have planned something brilliant. Or more realistically, Robert would have done the planning and Aaron would have gone along with it. Nevertheless, it would have been amazing. Aaron hopes they’ll have plenty more birthdays together to make up for it. Robert did promise to stick around _at least ‘til he’s 80 or something_.

Sitting beside Rob all these hours and days, Aaron has been doing a lot of reflecting- both on himself and on their relationship. For so long, he had believed that their problems were all down to either Robert messing up or himself being deficient in some way he cannot change. Though, maybe what he was truly lacking was empathy for his husband. As hard as it had seemed two months ago, learning to relate to his husband’s feelings and having some meaningful conversations with him would have been infinitely easier than being here now, just praying that the best thing to ever happen to him won’t be gone so soon.

For over two years, Aaron has assumed to know what Robert wants, what Robert feels, who Robert is. After insult after argument after lecture from Aaron about being honest and real, at times when Robert did try to express these things himself, his husband, best friend, and confidant would often respond with mistrust and misunderstanding. The spiteful mentions of the past, the biphobia, the lack of trust, the habit of pushing Robert away- Aaron would sacrifice almost anything to take them back and to have been a better boyfriend and husband to Robert.

As a teenager, Aaron had tried to kill himself because others were starting to get to know him and understand his insecurities and he didn’t want them to treat him differently. Conversely, Robert’s suicide attempt was very much impacted by the fact that _no one_ had really tried to understand him, but he _needed_ to be better supported by his family.

* * * * *

Robert’s loved ones are all gathered together in this room, on this day, for this occasion. But no one is saying a word, their own thoughts being far too loud. Each of them feels responsible in some way for Robert’s fate, guilt clawing at them from the inside. They _need_ Robert to wake up so they can apologize. And so Diane can be a proper (step-)mum to him, so Adam can help him move into the finished Mill, so Vic can watch him play with his niece or nephew, so Chas can let him know that drinking that welly wasn’t for naught and welcome him into the Dingle clan, so Liv can have a proper little family with him and her brother, and so Aaron and he can grow old together.

In the near silence, the falter in the beeping of the heartrate is noticed by everyone. Immediately honing in on the sound, they wait with bated breath, the next minute feeling like a year. When erratic beats are replaced by the steady tone of a flatline, shoulders tense and eyes widen, but otherwise the room remains still, fear and disbelief immobilizing the room’s occupants. No one is moving or screaming or crying or even breathing. Even when doctors and nurses come running in, shock is still gripping Robert’s family, unable to handle that this isn’t a nightmare, it’s real. As nurses rush them out into the hallway, they stumble and bump into the walls and each other, powerless to tear their eyes from Robert, even long enough to look where they are walking.

Crowded around the window, they watch as the doctors prepare a defibrillator. At the first shock, Vic snaps back to reality, turning to crash into Adam, her embrace dispelling his stunned state. Like a domino effect, their movement starts to bring the others out of shock, one by one. As sobbing and shouting overwhelm the previously-quiet hallway, only Aaron is still numb, even when Liv wraps her arms around his waist and clings to him with all of her strength. His expression dazed, and he seems unconscious of the tears streaming down his face. Worry for Aaron and for all of them intensifies the others’ fear for Robert. Drowning in tears and emotions, they all seem to be thinking with one mind.

_No, this can’t be happening. Robert can’t die. We need him- I need him. This is my fault. He can’t die because of me. He can’t! I will never be able to forgive myself._

With hope and fear and devastation, they all hold their breath as they watch the doctors prepare for one last try...

 

 

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for making it to the end of this journey with me! I hope you enjoyed (or, uh, appreciated?) it.
> 
> Please don't hate me for the ending. I wanted to make it a sort of choose your challenge thought experiment.  
> Headcanon = Robert dies: What would happen to each of these characters if Robert died? How would they cope? Would they be able to move on? Would they always blame themselves? Etc.  
> Headcanon = Robert lives: How would Robert react to his failed suicide attempt? Would he be able to forgive himself for sleeping with Rebecca? Now that Robert is out of the woods, would the others' anger at him cheating resurface? Etc.
> 
> Anyway, you guys are the best! If you want to have deep, philosophical musings about this stuff in the comments, I'm all about that. I'd say you could hit me up on Tumblr, but unfortunately I don't check my notifications or messages anymore. (Cyber bullying is not cool, yo.)
> 
> <3

**Author's Note:**

> ENDING SPOILER TAG: Ambiguous Ending  
> (basically, it's not certain whether Robert dies or not, so you can headcanon what you like)
> 
> \-----------------------------------------------  
> Title is from ‘a once courageous heart’ by kylie johnson:
> 
> "my quick tempered boy  
> used to walk for hours  
> just to see my eyes ... . ... .  
> those days have withered like the fruit  
> that on my ledge still sits  
> but i fear to throw the apples out  
> for fear i’ll throw him too"


End file.
